I had a dream just the other day
That I dropped a little bird from its nest
My baby plummeted to the ground
Touched earth and then flew away
But before she was mine, I was hers
Or so the dream portrayed
Her arms were my soft strong cradle
Untiringly wrapped around me for years
And my dreams and nightmares often mate
To bequeath to me such twisted melodies
Where she once let my tiny feet walk on hers
When she turned tiny I left her to cruel fate
I had a nightmare just the other day
That I let my baby fall and get hurt so bad
And all tears and apologies come too late
Cause my little bird has now flown away
I would like to say I realized very early on that I was born into privilege.
But that would not make it true, my wanting to say it.
I WAS born into privilege.
I did not realize it until I was all grown up and acutely aware of the world around me.
I did not realize it until the precious child I was stepped back and the undeserving adult I would be surfaced.
I did not realize it as I wasted time trying in vain to reconcile the me that was and the me that was going to be.
But I was going to be nothing but wild, grabbing attempts at reliving a childhood that most people don’t get to live
If that is not the definition of privilege, I don’t know what is.
I realize I am privileged. I am still processing this.
It’s alarming in that hazy, slowly-yet-steadily uprooting way.
I would like to say that having realized how privileged I am, I started to actively make something meaningful
out of my life.
My wanting to say it, mean it, do it, does not make it something I said or did.
Sometimes, I wonder if I ever mean it.
But between the thinking and the doing, all I have going for me is blind, desperate hope.
Maybe if something is repeated often enough in words, the essence of it will start to bleed out of and beyond the resolute lines of black and white.
I have bled into my creations.
So much so that I expect them to right themselves on their feet and totter off into the sunset any moment now.
But I spared my words my privilege.
I spared my words all my good intent.
I spared my words the ache for meaningfulness.
In much the same manner I live life, numb, mechanical and disconnected, I poured myself into my body of work even while I spared them purpose.
Now there’s two of me lying around, equally lifeless and spent.
When I get to death, if there’s to be a headstone, that’s what they should put on it:
buried in wasted privilege.
Plug your ears
Make sure you’re stone deaf
Close your eyes
Be blind, blind, no hindsight
Cover your mouth
Be mute, mutiny another day
Cover you face, cower
And then, hear it, that familiar tune
That old shriek
Torn out from your throat
Against your wish, torn out from your mouth
The words putting images to the thoughts
Let me conjure up the demons, the vespers
The fires from heaven, the summers from hell
The flowers blooming over a thousand rivers,
Rolling waves over a thousand coasts
Throw them up in the air
Catch them in your palm
They belong to the creator
Created in the recesses of your mind
Pumped to an excited state, charged to maintain speed
Aligned to maintain direction
Headed straight for the stars
A one-way track set up in time
Go back and forth and back again
And pounce out, from behind unexpected days
And unnoticed moments
To scare the living daylights off the victim
The victim’s in your head
You wish you could materialize him
He’s the tormentor in your life
And you cover your ears
And you close your eyes
And still see all and hear all
And feel more than everything put together
And when you open them the next instant
You have opened the safe in your head
And let out the wild beasts, the dancers
The carnival queens and the carnage kings
And god and devil and dogs and cats
And mountains of long ago
Covered with ice, capped in snow
And last to leave
A trail of tap-dancing monkeys
And little black unknown things
That make little unheard sounds as they scuttle by
Cover your ears
Hide your face
Close your eyes
Because in the span of a blink
You’ve breathed in air and next to nothing
And breathed out a spectacle, a fantastic link
Of wonder and dread
And the spells that crying stones shed
The things that crawl from underneath the bed
The things that unravel from your head
Blink and miss
And create and feel
All reason, all existence for this moment
All loss, all gain, all tears and pain
For this second
All sleep and waking hours
And daylight dreams and nightmares
For this moment
Of release, of end
Of forever sleeping
When no longer required
Forever still and still
When no longer noticed
And forever quiet
That falls on deaf ears
And echoes around cold stone
That I shall once again walk over
When I stir
I watch as she wakes
And regains her sense of self
Until the next time
All the senses turn,
Like swallowing sandpaper,
She can never tell
Seeing black or seeing blind
From vivid colour
PS. They are individual Haikus – But if you put them together, they seem to read as a whole too.
She opens eyes bright
To be woken in the dark
Sans waking from sleep
More old writings…
I lift my head, open my eyes
Look around and realize
That today, I don’t want to say
Anything, speak a single word
Or utter even a sigh
Today, I want everything else to speak
And speak for me
Today, I want the bed to say
I had a restless night
The night to say I didn’t sleep
I want my hands to say
They have a firm grip
Even if I have nothing to hold onto
I want my lips to tell you
They haven’t kissed love
The Sun in the sky
The Sun in my eyes
And the light to say
I hate the dark in my life
In the corners of my room
In the corners of my mind
I want the Earth to say
I’m a burden to bear
But She doesn’t mind
All that much
And that She would rather have
Me living, leeching off her
Than leaving, leaving, left
Today, I want the skies to fall
And provide a blanket
Of sightless, soundless, thoughtless bliss
For even a moment
I want the world to tell
Of the lack of peace in life
Not too loudly or in lament
Just in moderation
I want, in excess, arms
And eyes and smiles
That radiate love
And don’t question my bearing
I close my eyes
Breathe in one last time
I want my body to speak my mind
I want my heart to rule my brain
And your brain
And the rationale of our world
I want my last breath to tell the air
That I will draw one more
That I’ll never choose to not be there
That I would be too scared
To leave alone
To leave you alone
I want my every breath to say
I live, I love, I lie, I care